Blog: Midgets and Nihonjins

Confessions of an Innocent Japanese School Boy blog series by guest writer Hugh Hidetoshi Izumi

2 AM - April 29
A couple nights ago, I discovered how difficult it is to describe what a ‘midget’ is to my Japanese co-workers. I used my limited Japanese, along with hand gestures to try to explain what little people were - I said things like “chiisai hito,” literally meaning ‘small person,’ and placed my hand 3-feet above the ground to show about what height a midget would be. I asked them if they understood, and they said “ahhhh!! Wakatta! Nihonjin!” - “Wakatta” means understood, and unfortunately “Nihonjin” isn’t the Japanese word for midget, but instead, the Japanese word for a Japanese person.

I pulled out my laptop and looked up midgets on youtube, and we spent the rest of the night watching midgets wrestle. I never did find out whether there is a Japanese word for midget, and after I thought about it I came to the conclusion that they didn’t really need a word for midget. I mean how do you pick out a midget in a crowd of small people?

Apparently in Australia, you can go to bars where they have midgets that will let you toss them. I thought the idea of it was hilarious and it was on my list of things to try until I went to the bar the other night and caught some Australians eyeing me down - I got this uncomfortable feeling that they wanted to toss me. The idea of it doesn’t seem that appealing anymore.

There was a point in my life where I was worried I might be a midget. And then I started hanging out with other Asians and all of a sudden I became “average height”.

One of my best friends is 6-feet tall, good looking and has a really annoying habit of attracting women. The reason it’s annoying is because when girls are describing us, he’s always the “tall good looking one,” and I end up being the “short funny one”. I hate being the “short funny one”. “Short funny one” never gets laid.

I’m only a few steps away from becoming the “short angry one”. What I need to do is find a friend that is 5’2 and ugly as hell. Granted, I know at 5’7 and with this face, I’ll never be the “tall good looking one,” but maybe I can get promoted to the “medium sized, funny shaped, possibly midget but not entirely sure one”.

Of course, women have it much harder. “Short funny one” isn’t nearly as bad as the labels females get. For instance, take a group of five girls at the club, four of them really hot, and one of them not so much. Maybe I’m an asshole (ok I KNOW I’m an asshole), but she automatically gets slapped with “designated driver”.

I know, I know, it sounds mean, but chances are, I’m going to get hammered at a night club, meet a group of girls, start telling jokes and inevitably get myself labeled as the “short funny one”, get a sober ride home from the “designated driver” and convince her to come inside and help me search the Japanese dictionary for a direct translation of the word “midget” - so I can stop wondering and get some sleep instead of writing posts at two in the morning.